When You Give Up Your Dream for Security

I met Janet on vacation when I was about 7 years old.

Janet was bold.  

Janet was brilliant.  

Janet was confident. 

Janet was creative.

And Janet loved theater.

Janet and I were friends all through middle and high school.  We saw each other each summer.  We visited each other at home during the year.  We wrote letters every week.

So all through high school I got to witness Janet's love of theater.  She was always involved in a play at school or in her community.  Sometimes she was on the stage and a lot of the time she was behind it or in the front of the house.  But she was always involved.  And she was always excited.  She lit up when she talked about her current production.

I could not wait to hear all of the details because it was always so exciting!  I can still picture the pages and pages of letter talking about the play she was working on.  Or the pictures she included of all the great people she was working with.  Or her hands gesturing wildly when she was trying to describe a certain dramatic scene or hilarious backstage fiasco.

I should also note that no matter how much schoolwork she had to maintain her straight A's, she always found time for the theater.  

So when it came time to apply for college, Janet did exactly what I expected she would do.  

She applied to a top school to prepare to be a doctor.

It was expected because working in theater was not the secure job that we were all expected to get.  It was just a dream.  

We had been taught to believe that dreams had no place in a secure future.

But the Universe gave Janet a second chance.  She got mono the summer before college and had to defer her admissions.  And for a year she worked in theater.  I visited her a few times and I have to admit, I was more than a little jealous.!  I was in school learning about engineering and she was living her dream.  She was working at a theater, up until all hours of the night, trotting around the city for props and costumes, living with a bunch of actors.  She just bubbled over with excitement about what she was doing and learning.  She was full of such energy that she practically glowed when you looked at her.   I can still picture her today, telling me about what she was going to be doing that weekend at the the theater with her hair a wild mess and a fire in her eyes, her gestures huge, leaning towards me with a huge smile on her face.

A year later she was at her top notch school studying to become a doctor.
All of the light had left her.
She was cold and gray and bored and a little angry.
I can still picture her.  Hair pulled back severely.  Lips tight.  Quiet.  Preoccupied.
We drifted apart.

We have seen each other a few times over the past 20 years and she is a doctor at a very prestigious practice.  She makes a lot of money.  Important people want her to be their doctor.   She has a big apartment at a good address.  She is secure.

But without her dream, Janet is lifeless and pale.
And each time I see her I feel such sadness that she had such a great passion and she turned her back on that dream for the colorless life that she has now.
I don't even think that Janet remembers that she had a dream.

It serves as a reminder to me, every day, to help myself and my kids find a way to feel secure while never giving up our dreams.
To never trade passion for security.

Weekly Podcast ... Surrender

What do you think would happen if you stopped making decisions?

Chaos? Failure? Inactivity?

How about an exceptional life?

Summer Guidelines for Screentime

My kids have had phones for years since we shut off our house phone and always wanted them to be able to make a phone call in case of emergency and then it became useful when they walked to school alone.  For years they barely touched their phones.

But this past year they seem to be much more attached.  We have made sure that there are no phones at mealtime and phones are put away when friends are over.  But beyond that we have had few rules because they are pretty busy during the school year and their use does not seem excessive.  Except maybe a little on their one day off from school and dance.

I realized that summer may become a bit more involved in their technology.  I am not a big fan of setting limits but would rather give them some guidelines and let them manage themselves. I feel like guidelines will help them to build healthy habits that they can use for a lifetime.

I found an app called Unglue to help them see how much time they are spending and I wrote up some guidelines to help them use technology in a positive way.

TECHNOLOGY PLAN FOR THE SUMMER

85% of your awake day spent on things that help you grow.... being out in nature, creating, doing something physical, taking care of yourself and others, engaging with others, learning, just being.  This would be 10 hours per day.  Divide your time evenly between technology and non-technology during the day, 5 hours each.

Technology

• drawing apps
• making a video
• coding
• writing
• take an online fitness class
• Facetime with a friend
• texting a friend
• emailing a friend
• talk to a friend on the phone
• exploring on a topic that interests you (videos, articles, groups),
• brain games
• listen to music

Non-technology

• being outside
• going to the beach club
• art on paper
• using a  journal activity books
• singing
• acting
• dancing
• crafts
• building projects
• walking or hiking
• swimming
• doing your nails
• cooking
• organizing your room
• getting together with friends
• watching a family movie or tv show
• writing to your penpal
• reading a book
• taking a class
• playing a game
• doing a puzzle

15% of your day on other tasks on things that do not provide any growth value.  This would be 2 hours per day.

• social media
• most games
• most YouTube videos
• TV shows alone in your room

Before you pick up any technology you will …

• Make your bed
• Get dressed (unless it is an agreed pajama day)
• Brush hair and teeth
• Eat breakfast and clean up
• Straighten your room
• Take care of any laundry

Before you pick up your phone, ask, what else could I be doing?!

Passion is Curiosity

I was thinking about passion.  And what I think being passionate about something really means.

And I think it means you are insanely curious.

When you are so curious about a subject that you can read hundreds of books on it.

When you are so curious about a topic that you love talking to people about it because you want to hear what they know.

When you are so curious about something that you are always searching for YouTube videos and blog posts and podcasts.

When you are so curious that you want to play around with creating things in your genre  without an end goal, just to see what happens.

When you are so curious that you want to take a class a subject just for fun.

When you are so curious about a topic that you learn about other people who are curious about your topic.

When you are so curious about a topic that you travel far and wide to experience it in a new way.

Like my friend who is so passionate about baking that she watches tons of baking shows, she always has her nose in a cookbook, she is always making friends with the owners of every bakery she enters, she volunteer for organizations that help aspiring bakers, everywhere we go we have to pop in and try a little baked good, she is always taking a road trip near and far to try a bakery she has heard about.  I just love watching her curiosity!

And like my brother who is so passionate about a good sandwich that he opened a pop up restaurant that serves just that.  Wherever he goes he has to try a sandwich (maybe 3), everyone he eats gets photographed, he too makes friends with everyone who has ever made him a good sandwich, he follows all sorts of food bloggers and watches great shows about food, and forget it when he gets in the cookbook section of a bookstore!  I just love watching how curious he is too!

So.

What are you curious about?

An Authentic Life is an Exceptional Life

The other day I started thinking about what it means to live an exceptional life.
To me, you live an exceptional life by living your authentic life.

To me, living an exceptional life means living a life doing the things that bring me joy.

And that means ignoring the things other people think I should be doing if they don't bring me joy.

It is about looking at each opportunity that comes along and deciding if it will make me happy.  

It is about doing the things that will make me happy and passing on the things that won't.

Taking time for me, not being bullied or shamed into  doing things that don't feel right, embracing my uniqueness.

A mediocre life is one filled with other people's priorities.  A life filled with things that you feel like you have to do but don't want to do.  A job you aren't passionate about.  Helping out with things you don't care about.  Thinking that taking time for yourself is selfish.

One example of my life going from mediocre to exceptional was when I started homeschooling my two daughters.  I let go of everyone's "shoulds" about what they should know to be successful in life, about how they should experience middle school conflict to learn how to navigate society as a grown up, about how they should go to school so they have a normal life.  I let go of the shoulds and realized that would brought us joy was studying things that we love, being together as a family, having downtime to explore our interests, and having a social life that comes after school hours.  I embraced what brought us joy and let go of the opinions of others.  Moving into my authentic happiness was exceptional!

Living an exceptional life is about knowing what genuinely makes you happy and brings you joy and filling your life with those things.
Know what you love and do it!

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To me, living an exceptional life is about continually growing in areas that are interesting and important to me.

It is about making room for learning and exploring.

It is about, in each moment, becoming a better version of myself.

Reading books, taking classes, being interested, being observant.

A mediocre life is stagnant.  Conversations filled with nothing but gossip.  Hours of pointless TV.  Never trying anything new.

I went from mediocre to exceptional when I started learning again.  After college ended, so I thought did learning.  I just did my job, went to the gym, watched TV, and went out with friends.  But in my thirties I realized my life was pretty empty.  And I started picking up books about things.  Astrology, gardening, art, alternative education.  Then I found classes and podcasts.  And I found a tribe of people who love to learn about the things that spark me and had started having opinions and conversations that mattered.   Feeding and nurturing my authentic self was exceptional!

Living an exceptional life is about being observant and determined in order to let your greatest and truest self develop.
Know who you are and keep going deeper!

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To me, living an exceptional life means caring about things much greater than myself.

It is about being a steward of kindness and compassion and connection,

Taking care of the earth, helping people live without fear, giving what I can to make someone's life easier.

A mediocre life is being focused on only what's good for you.  Thinking that giving to someone less fortunate is being taken advantage of.  Turning your back on the suffering inflicted on others.   Looking for the opportunities that give you more than you need.

For years I worried only about what was good for me.  But when I became a parent that changed.  Not only did I start thinking about what was good for my kids, but kids everywhere.  I couldn't imagine kids who were not as safe as mine, who did not sleep in comfy beds like mine, who did not get fed when they were hungry like mine, who did not have stories read to them or art supplies or shoes that fit or parents who loved them.  I found a purpose greater than myself.  And I began looking for ways, both big and small, to make a difference of the lives of others.   Feeling my authentic connection to every other soul on the planet was exceptional.

Living an exceptional life is about loving others.
Know that we are all connected and by raising others up, you raise yourself up.

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To me, an exceptional life is one filled with authentic happiness, learning, and kindness. 

Choose exceptional. 

The Goal of Education is to Learn

“You'll never know everything about anything, especially something you love.” 
― Julia Child

My oldest daughter is about to be a freshman in high school. (Yikes!)

Since she is homeschooled that means that I need to get a little bit on the ball about college.  Because I want to understand the requirements for homeschoolers and be sure that I am tracking and recording and planning in a way that provides her with all of the "stuff" she will need to apply.

So I set about researching some colleges that she might be interested in (art program, small school, not to far away) and browsed around majors and courses and requirements.

At some schools, I found majors so perfect for her and so interesting I actually emailed them to her!  At other schools, I loved the environment and thought she would love living there but then the courses that were required were just not things that would excite her.

I am so excited for the thought that in a couple of years she gets to browse through all this stuff and visit and figure out what she is excited to learn about and where she will want to do that.  

I can't wait for her to continue to learn about what sets her soul on fire!

And then I had dinner with a few friends who have kids heading off to college.

And their excitement about college for their kids was entirely different.

It was about what job did they want to have 4 years from now and which college would hand them a diploma that was be the fastest ticket to that job.

The only excitement was about the campus and the sports teams and the sororities.

There was not one mention of being excited about what they would learn.

And that made me sad.

Because education is meant to be about learning.

It is about growing and questioning and exploring.

It is about becoming a lover of learning and keeping that love throughout your life.

Because the greatest minds do not stop learning once they are handed a diploma.

People like Elon Musk, Benjamin Franklin, Frank Lloyd Wright, Florence Nightingale,Walt Disney, Thomas Edison, Henry David Thoreau, Nelson Mandela, the Wright Brothers, and Ansel Adams are just a few examples of lifelong learners. 

They are (or were!) constantly seeking knowledge through experiences and mentors and books and classes.

They were curious and asked questions and sought answers.

They did not learn something as a means to an end, the learning was always the goal.  

And what they learned they incorporated into their being and carried them along to the next great question or discovery.  

But so many of today's kids don't know that the goal of their education is learning.

Learning about what lights their soul on fire.

Changing their being through learning.

Many of today's kids thing that education is about a test result, a grade, and a diploma.

They learn what they need to to get an A and then let the knowledge go.  Because it did not change them.  It did not touch them.  They learned it because they had to, not because they wanted to.

My greatest hope for today's kids is that they change their beliefs about education.

That they stop looking at education as a means to an end.

That they start looking at education as an opportunity to learn about what you love from the very best and with the very best.

That they see education as a way to change their being.

That they seek to learn long after their formal education is over.

My greatest hope is a generation of lifelong learners.

So challenge yourself to stop taking a class or reading a book or asking a question because you think it is going to get you somewhere.
Challenge yourself to ask questions about things that you wonder about, talk to interesting people, read a blog or book for pleasure, take a class that excites you.  Learn about things because you want to, not because you need to.
And never stop!

Weekly Podcast: Finding Compassion

Are there people in your life you really don't like?  You know, the kind of person you wouldn't mind accidentally being run over by a bus?

Learn how to see them in an entirely new light!

Excitement ... The Key to Making People Stop and Pay Attention

So the other day I put on a Jay Shetty podcast while I went for a walk. And after 1 minute I had to turn it off.

Because Jay was really excited.

And that made me excited.

And I was so eager to hear what he had to say and I knew it was going to be really transformative and I knew that I wanted to listen to it when I could really pay attention. Because I knew this podcast was going to give me some insight. Because Jay was so darn excited to tell me about.

So instead of listening to the podcast on my walk, I thought a bit about excitement.

About how, without even knowing the details of what he was going to say, I knew that I wanted to hear it.

Why was that?

Because excitement says "I love this".  

And that tells me ...

... that I might love it too, 

...that you are so into it that you have really done your research so your recommendation is worth listening to,

... that your motivation is joy not manipulation.

This idea made me think back to when I moved into my house in November and there was no heat. I needed a plumber. I didn't know anyone in the area so could not get a recommendation and I needed someone right away! So I called every plumber in the book and a few came by to look at my situation.

I hired Gary without even getting a price.

Because Gary was excited.

He loved the old pipes in the Victorian house. He might have actually whispered to the broken furnace. He looked at things. He asked questions. He smiled. He enthusiastically told me his plan and the options and the pitfalls.

Gary clearly loved plumbing.

He made me love it.

He made me confident that he knew about plumbing.

He made me feel like he wanted to do the job.

So I hired Gary.

I didn't hire the 5 other guys because none of them were excited.

They were mediocre.

Plumbing was just a job.

They were there to make money.

They were not excited and neither was I.

By the way, Gary not only did that plumbing job but pretty much re-piped our entire house.

His work was impeccable. He settled for nothing less because it was his art, his passion.

He came in the middle of the night. More than once.

I recommended him to all my friends and neighbors.

And when Gary passed on, I ended up with a mediocre plumber during a kitchen renovation (my contractor's choice, not mine) and his lack of excitement shows in the use of cheap pipes, the fact that my dishwasher leaks all over the floor on occasion, and the mess of pipe junctions all over my basement.

The moral of my story?

When someone is excited, PAY ATTENTION!

They have something amazing to share with you.

And then take it to the next step.

Find what makes YOU excited.

Be so in love with something.

Find something that makes you jump out of bed each day.

Be motivated by the pure joy of doing something.
Make people PAY ATTENTION!

Don't settle for mediocre!

Mindful Summer Series

Mindful Schools is sponsoring a free online community practice series from July 2 - August 12 that shows how mindfulness can be applied to daily life. 

Register at Mindful Summer.

Weekly Podcast ... Good Thing? Bad Thing? Who Knows?

Do you sometimes get caught up in negative thinking about a situation? How horrible it is? How more horrible things are going to happen because of this?

Then this is the story for you!

Learning to be Compassionate ... When You Don't Want to Be

I spent the morning trying to understand why I find a few people in my life so particularly challenging.  Okay, really I find them awful.  Annoying.  Mean. Selfish.  My list could go on.

After years of studying Buddhism, I am well-versed in the idea of compassion.  But sometimes I just can't muster it.  Some people, I really just want to push into traffic.  

But since this is not how I want to live, I have been feeling this great urge to come to terms with people I really don't like.

First, I sorted these people into three groups.

The takers. Some people take.  They need things to feel good.  They have to keep taking because when they stop, the lose what they have.

The manipulators. Some people manipulate.  They need other people’s energy to feel good.  Instead of changing themselves they want everyone to give them their positive energy through approval or fear.  

The closed offs. Some people are closed.  They may not draw energy but they won't lose it.

But I realized inside each person is a soul.

Every soul wants to offer their gifts to humanity.  

Every soul wants to be vibrant.  

Every soul wants to live a life of ease and abundance and joy.

But takers, manipulators and closed offs are blocked.  

Their souls do not want to be stuck behind the block! They want to be free!

This is really a life of pain for that soul.

Thinking of it this was is the path forward for me.

To have compassion for that soul and the block (even if you don’t know what it is!)  

To hold space for their awakening.

To look deep inside at the soul in pain and send it my love and energy.

I come back to this story each and every time I feel myself lacking compassion!

Hopefully it will help you to, as well!