Grown Up Tantrums ... When Expectations Don't Match Reality

Have you ever noticed how two people can be faced with a situation and one person views it as good and one person has a tantrum?  I had an epiphany the other day that the person having the tantrum had expectations that were not met by reality.  The person who is moving along swimmingly knew how to let go of their expectations, accept reality and live in the present moment.

So how do you become the person who accepts reality and stop all of those nasty temper tantrums?  Well, you need to resolve the conflict between reality and your expectations.

Over the holidays I had some perfect practice.  I sent a special friend a Christmas gift.  And I heard nothing back.  And that situation made me feel really bad.  Why do I continue being friends with this person?  Why can't they just appreciate me?  How can I make them feel bad for how they treat me?

I looked at myself and recognized that my expectation was that the person would call and thank me or would have sent me a gift also or that I would have at least gotten a "happy holiday" email.  My expectations did not match up with the reality of the situation and that got me annoyed and feeling really negative.

I looked at my options ... I could let go of my expectations, I could address my expectations with my friend or I could try to change reality.

I could change reality by not sending a gift in the future.  But well, I love selecting the perfect gift for someone and sharing it with them so this was not a great fit for me.  (However I recently decided to change reality in another situation.  My expectation is that we can get out of the house in time for school but reality is that my kids take soooo long picking out shoes.  So I changed reality by having them pick out their shoes the night before and placing them in front of the door!)

I thought about letting the person know that I was disappointed that my expectations were not met but I decided this was a situation where I really needed to work on me, not them.  (Perhaps if the situation is when I expect my husband to put his shoes away and the reality is that I trip on them heading to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I might share my disappointment!)

I choose letting it go.  I can't say that I loved the reality of the situation but after recognizing why I was feeling so negative I was able to let it go and just focus on the fact that I love this person and it made me feel good to select and share a gift with them.

YOUR TURN:
When you start to become filled with negative emotions about a situation (aka about to have a temper tantru,), stop and ask yourself what you were expecting to happen and what really is happening.

Now. decide if you can let go of your expectations or if you need to address your expectations with the person or perhaps even if you can change the reality.

Tip for parents ... this works with grumpy kids to.  They are grumpy because their expectations are not met by reality....  they thought they would be able to stay up and watch TV but bedtime is enforces, they thought they were going to go swing on the swings but someone else is there, they thought they would enjoy their lollipop but it fell in the dirt.  Help them recognize this and work through it.

Good luck!