Shame.... Catering to What You Think Others Expect.

Shame.  What did you feel when you heard that word?  What pictures entered your mind?  What memories did it evoke?  Shame is a powerful word and I think most of us feel it regularly to varying degrees.  And I think you would agree it is an emotion we could all do without.

Over the past few years I have worked on eradicating shame from my life and the life of my children but just last week I had a realization of what shame really is and how to trap it when it sneaks up.  I think it is going to prove a very useful tool on my journey.

I believe shame is when the reality you create does not match the expectations you believe others have for you.

When you show up at the cookie swap with your best attempt at cookies even though you are no baker and you feel ashamed because you think everyone thinks you did a bad job.  When you have a few pounds to lose and you squeeze into the dress you bought and you feel ashamed because you think everyone is looking at you and thinking you are a slob.  When you interview for a job that is a bit of a stretch for you and you feel ashamed because you think the employer is snickering that you are stupid and uneducated. 

So, how do you manage this disconnect between reality and your perceived expectations.  Well, you can adjust one of them.

You can change reality.  You can learn to bake or not go to the swap.  You can lose weight or not go to the party.  You can go back to school or not interview for the job.  Changing reality can be good if you are inspired to make positive changes in your life so that the reality is really good, or bad if you decide to just hide under the covers so nobody sees your reality.  So be careful with this one!

Or you can create your best reality at the moment.  You can pick a simple cookie recipe and give yourself enough time and materials to fix any mistakes.  You can spend some time creating an outfit that makes you feel most comfortable.  You can update your resume to highlight what you can bring to the company.   Don’t compare yourself to others, do the best you can do.  But don’t be lazy just because you don’t think you can ever live up to expectations!

Or you can let go of your perceived expectations and replace them with unconditional love for yourself.  (I call this vulnerability, by the way.)  Be that person who shows up with a bag of Chips Ahoy and a smile.  They love themselves and don’t care that they can’t bake.   Be that person who has 75 pounds to lose and puts on their go-to LBD and lights up the room.  They love themselves and are the most attractive person in the room to everyone else.    Be the person who is unqualified for the job but did their research on the company and the position and is filled with enthusiasm for the things that are out there to learn.  They love themselves and are excited to share what they have to offer even if it is not enough for the position.  I know you know these people!  These people love themselves and they own their reality and are not ruled by others people’s expectations … real or not.

The past year I have been dealing with this a lot at work.  I create a cake and I worry that my client won’t like this or that, I worry that they won’t be impressed and wonder why I am in business, I worry that they won’t feel like they got their monies worth.  So now I stop and I do a lot more planning around my cake so I can create the best reality that I can at the moment.  I make sure I have a clear understanding of what my client is looking for and I have scheduled enough time and I have the right tools and I practice any new techniques.  Then as I am working I do the best job I can by being patient and reworking things as needed.  If I don’t love it, I redo it.  By the time I am done, I LOVE what I have created.  I present my cake with no worries.  And yes, sometimes a client does not like it.  My beautiful reality does not match their expectations.  But I don’t feel shame because I love my reality and was not filled with negative worry about their reaction to my reality and I can happily handle any issues for my client.  

Little by little I am creating my best reality and owning it and I am letting go of perceived expectations and loving myself for what I have created and helping my children do the same.  I hope to replace all of my accumulated years of shame with vulnerability and unconditional love and I hope that my kids will too.

YOUR TURN:

The next time you are worried about what someone will think, stop!

Identify the reality of the situation and identify what expectations you are perceiving that others will have.  Write them down.

List some ways that you can make the reality the best YOU can.  Be creative!  It is great to have some long term goals in here but really focus on the short term, the present moment.

Now go and create the best reality you can … love it and own it!

Let go of the expectations you think others have.  Fill yourself with love so there is no room for fear.  Get yourself excited about the event and let it shine. 

Did you worry so much about what you thought other people were thinking?  Did you feel shame?  Or were you filled with love and happy? 

Now, keep practicing!