Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Becoming "Confident Gal" ... The Better Way to Handle When Someone Hates What You Did


This week I have been dealing with an issue.  Well, two really.  The first, is that a woman did not like a cake I made for her daughter's wedding.  The second, is why my insides curled up every time I thought about having a conversation with the woman.

Now, I know that there are very few people out there who would look forward to having a conversation with a person who was criticizing them.  But I know there are people out there who just deal with it instead of becoming a ball of fear.  And I wanted to figure out how I could move from "Ball of Fear" to "Confident Gal".

"Your Opinion Is Not My Reality"
I realized the tip of the problem was how I was allowing myself to be impacted by other people's opinions.  I was reminded of a few of my favorite quotes.. 
"Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth."
"The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them."
"Your opinion is not my reality."

Lesson One:  Confident Gal 100% supports what she did.  Unless she realizes she made a mistake.  And then she 100% supports that she made a mistake and deals with it.  She does not care if someone else loved or hated it, she did what she felt was right in the moment without worrying about the past or future.  
Confident Gal is not afraid to listen to what anyone has to say about her or her work because she listens to gather information, not have her opinion replaced with someone else's.


Not Going Down the Fear Hole
Next, I realized that there are people out there who are in fear.  And fear makes them angry or sad or mad.  And people who are in fear want others to be as afraid as they are.  (This happens to be what I tell my kids about bullies but it works for adults to.)  They yell and demean and threaten.  They use rude words and negative tones.  These are the people who are going to sue you because your cupcakes was "disgusting" and "inedible".  They feel good when you are down in the fear hole with them.

These people who are in fear also have an expectation of what will make their fear go away.  Is it a monetary settlement?  Is it slamming you on social media?  Is it just yelling at you?  

Lesson Two:  Confident Gal does not go down the fear hole.  She recognizes the other person's fear and realizes they are doing the best they can with what they have been given in this moment in time.  She can see how the other person is trying to drag her down and she says "no thank you".  She does not give the bully what they want and run away.
Confident Gal is not afraid of dealing with bullies because she refuses to go anywhere with them.  She stands her ground and moves on to the next step.

Uncovering the True Intention
Lastly, I figure out that there are people out there who have a negative opinion of you or something you have done but they don't bully you.  I realized these people are in love.  And while they may not like something, they are not trying to achieve some expectation to make them feel better by bullying others.  

These are the people out there who come into a conversation with the intention of resolving an issue, but no expectation of how it is to be done.  These are the people who call up and say "I wanted to let you know that I was really unhappy with the shade of pink icing you had used" and then wait to hear what you are going to say to fix the problem. 

The key is to turn the bullies into these people in love. 

Lesson Three:  Confident Gal works to uncover the true intention of bullies.  Confident Gal asks questions and gathers information.  Confident Gal makes some guesses about the bully's fears and  true intention and tests her theories.  Confident Gal works with the bully to come up with a solution that achieves the bully's true intention.  
Confident Gal also realizes that sometimes she won't win the bully over and that is okay.  She gave it her all and she feels good about that.


From now on when I encounter a giant critique, I am throwing on my Confident Gal suit and seeing if I can fly!




Monday, October 20, 2014

Be A Little More Surprising!


A few weeks ago, it was my younger daughter's birthday.
She asked to be sprayed with silly string.  Because is what happens on her friend's birthday.
I guess I looked at her funny because she said "You never do anything surprising!"

So I decided that I needed to work on being a little more surprising by doing at least  one unexpected thing each week.

It started with ice cream for breakfast.  Then I did actually spray them with silly string.  Next it was a block-long hopscotch board.  And who knows what next week will hold?  Something that will surprise all of us, I am sure!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

A $25 Christmas ... Wrapping Up Cleverness and Creativity



My husband and I have agreed, for the last few years, to only spend $25 on each other for Christmas.

We started this because we just didn't want any more "stuff".  If we really need something, we buy it.  And we have been trying to eliminate collecting any more things that we don't need so buying some expensive gift just to put something under the tree was not something I wanted to do anymore.

But there is something so sad about just agreeing to not exchange holiday gifts so that was not going to work for me either.   I feel like one of the most special things about the holidays is spending time to think about the people you care about in your life and given them a little token that says "I am thinking of you".

  So I set an seemingly ridiculous limit for my husband and I.  $25.  It forced us to listen to each other closely for ideas and then be really creative with purchases and crafts.  It forced us to think ahead and always be on the lookout for something just perfect to add to our collection of gifts.

Last year I went with a Zen theme.  I got a book book on Zen doodling using a 40% off coupon.  I made a Zen garden using a bowl we hadn't used in years and an afternoon on the beach collecting pebbles and sand.  I ran across a little wire Buddhist monk on the sale shelf at a local store.  I made a peaceful piece of art.  And I found a few books on meditation on Bookmooch.  It was such much fun coming up with the idea and then searching and creating.  It was my very favorite part of Christmas last year!

I have already started on my plan for this year!
I challenge you to give it a try yourself!

Monday, October 13, 2014

Minimizing My Stuff ... How I Send Out the Old, And Say 'No' to the New!


I have been on a minimizing mission for the past few years.

My biggest reason was that  I hate that when something doesn't work exactly how we want it, we just replace it instead of trying to be creative to get what we need or gosh forbid, experience a little discomfort.  

So I set out on the mission to not bring anything new into our house unless it was something to be consumed or something we really, really needed and could not get from being creative with what we already have.  And I set out on a mission to pass a lot of the stuff that we no longer need on to others who do.  Here are some of my tips....

Books
I have stopped buying books unless it is a book that I want to have as a lifetime reference or it is a workbook that I am going to write in.  

I use the online book catalog for our library to order almost any book I like.  So easy!

I let my kids enjoy the Scholastic leaflets that come out at school and circle every book they fancy and then they pick one to buy with their allowance money and I get them the rest from the library.

I use Bookmooch to try to get books I really want to have a paper copy of (like cookbooks).  
I also use Bookmooch to pass on the tons of books we have collected over the years and are never going to glance at again. 

Gifts
I have asked the grandparents to give experiences to the kids instead of stuff.   The kids get to see Broadway shows or go to museums or take a class or even just enjoy a movie.   

My husband and I celebrate Christmas by giving each other a $25 limit.  It is the most fun gift selecting and opening we have ever had!  (Last year I got rainbow striped socks, a rainbow of oil pastels, a plastic bead rainbow wind chime and rainbow colored Oreos!)

Where I can, I try to make gifts instead of buy them.    

Clothes
I still buy plenty of new clothes.  Probably less than the average person but I still enjoy having some new things each season and I feel best when my clothes are in good condition and fit well.

For clothes that are in good condition but just don't fit or feel loved anymore, they go in the hand-me-down bag.  Not only do I hand down the kids clothes, but I have a group of girlfriends who I pass around a bag of hand-me-downs with.  I have gotten some really beautiful stuff that way!  

I have also been doing quite a bit of refashioning to give a second life to things that don't make me feel quite so wonderful anymore or for things that my kids have outgrown.  

And for items that are in bad shape, they go into my fabric bin.

Toys, Games and Household Items
I have been selling tons of stuff we no longer use on eBay.  It is really easy once you get the hang of it and it makes me really happy to know that someone is using the stuff I no longer need.


I have to say that I am a much happier person when I have less stuff and I love that I am teaching my kids that there are far better ways to get what you want or need than handing over your credit card!