This week I have been dealing with an issue. Well, two really. The first, is that a woman did not like a cake I made for her daughter's wedding. The second, is why my insides curled up every time I thought about having a conversation with the woman.
Now, I know that there are very few people out there who would look forward to having a conversation with a person who was criticizing them. But I know there are people out there who just deal with it instead of becoming a ball of fear. And I wanted to figure out how I could move from "Ball of Fear" to "Confident Gal".
"Your Opinion Is Not My Reality"
I realized the tip of the problem was how I was allowing myself to be impacted by other people's opinions. I was reminded of a few of my favorite quotes..
"Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth."
"The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them."
"Your opinion is not my reality."
Lesson One: Confident Gal 100% supports what she did. Unless she realizes she made a mistake. And then she 100% supports that she made a mistake and deals with it. She does not care if someone else loved or hated it, she did what she felt was right in the moment without worrying about the past or future.
Confident Gal is not afraid to listen to what anyone has to say about her or her work because she listens to gather information, not have her opinion replaced with someone else's.
Not Going Down the Fear Hole
Next, I realized that there are people out there who are in fear. And fear makes them angry or sad or mad. And people who are in fear want others to be as afraid as they are. (This happens to be what I tell my kids about bullies but it works for adults to.) They yell and demean and threaten. They use rude words and negative tones. These are the people who are going to sue you because your cupcakes was "disgusting" and "inedible". They feel good when you are down in the fear hole with them.
These people who are in fear also have an expectation of what will make their fear go away. Is it a monetary settlement? Is it slamming you on social media? Is it just yelling at you?
Lesson Two: Confident Gal does not go down the fear hole. She recognizes the other person's fear and realizes they are doing the best they can with what they have been given in this moment in time. She can see how the other person is trying to drag her down and she says "no thank you". She does not give the bully what they want and run away.
Confident Gal is not afraid of dealing with bullies because she refuses to go anywhere with them. She stands her ground and moves on to the next step.
Uncovering the True Intention
Lastly, I figure out that there are people out there who have a negative opinion of you or something you have done but they don't bully you. I realized these people are in love. And while they may not like something, they are not trying to achieve some expectation to make them feel better by bullying others.
These are the people out there who come into a conversation with the intention of resolving an issue, but no expectation of how it is to be done. These are the people who call up and say "I wanted to let you know that I was really unhappy with the shade of pink icing you had used" and then wait to hear what you are going to say to fix the problem.
The key is to turn the bullies into these people in love.
Lesson Three: Confident Gal works to uncover the true intention of bullies. Confident Gal asks questions and gathers information. Confident Gal makes some guesses about the bully's fears and true intention and tests her theories. Confident Gal works with the bully to come up with a solution that achieves the bully's true intention.
Confident Gal also realizes that sometimes she won't win the bully over and that is okay. She gave it her all and she feels good about that.
From now on when I encounter a giant critique, I am throwing on my Confident Gal suit and seeing if I can fly!