Fear of Deception ...The Fly in the Ointment of So Many Good Relationships

Is there someone in your life that you fear is deceiving you?  I am sure you do.  And I am sure it makes you question why you are in the relationship on an hourly basis.  Wouldn't it be nice to let go of that fear?

I have more than one relationship in my life that I ask myself if I should work harder at or let go of. I had to ask myself why I do that and how I can stop.

First of all, let's remember that negative feeling happen when our expectations don't match reality.  So, if you are having any negative feelings about a relationship, you should first take a look at how your expectations of the relationship are not matching up with the reality.  Is the new guy not calling as often as you wish?  Does your friend keep canceling dates? Is your boss not giving you the special assignment that you want?  Maybe you can let go of your expectations and move on.  Maybe you can't.

If you can't, you are going to have to address your concerns.  And your relationship buddy is going to give you an answer.  And here is where the fear of deception comes in.  New guy says he can't call as often because he is so busy at work.  Your friend swears she has been ill.  Your boss tells you that the assignment process is out of his control.  Well, either they are telling the truth or they are lying.  And if they are lying they are doing the best they can and that probably means avoiding hurting your feelings with the truth.

But now you are left with that fear that makes you question the relationship.  Are they lying?  Is new guy actually too busy because he is dating someone else?  Does your friend now find you dull company and is making plans with other friends?  Does your boss just think you can't handle the work?  You go back and forth trying to decide.  Truth or lie?  Agh!!!! It consumes your every waking moment.  AM I BEING DECEIVED!!!!

Please do not spend your time wavering back and forth!  Please do not continually ask your relationship buddy to prove they are telling the truth.  You are not in control of this no matter how hard you try.  You can never know for sure if someone is deceiving you.

You need to go all in or all out.  Don't live a life with lukewarm relationships.  That sucks.  And it will never be satisfying.  I hope that you go all in and your relationships blossom into something better than you could ever imagine.  But there is a chance that it won't.

So, you need to ask yourself what is going to happen if you go all in and you end up down the road finding out you have been deceived?

Well, you will either embrace your vulnerability or your shame.

Can you embrace your vulnerability and compassion? Can you accept that your relationship buddy was doing the best they could?  Can you realize that there were lessons that you learned?  Can you forgive yourself for trusting and being deceived?

Or are you going to dive in to a pit of shame?  Worrying that everyone is talking about what an idiot you were or how gullible you were?  Worrying that your relationship buddy is laughing at how they pulled one over on you?

Most likely you are the person who is going to dive into the pit or you would have stopped reading this long ago!  So the question is, can you be vulnerable?  Can you see the best in people?  Can you trust?  Can you let go?  Can you love?  Can you say thank you for the experience even of it doesn't turn out the way you wanted?

If you can't then you might want to walk away from the relationship until you can.  And spend that time alone dealing with the demons that are drawing you into the pit of shame.

*** BTW, the same advice goes for your relationship with yourself.  When you have the expectation that you are going to marry that guy or get a promotion or lose 20 pounds.  And you tell yourself that, oh yeah, that is the reality of the situation.  But maybe it isn't.  (I guess that would be deceiving yourself.)  So how are you going to deal?  Are you going to love and forgive yourself and move on or fall into the pit of shame?

YOUR TURN
Pick a role model for yourself.  A friend.  A celebrity.  Anyone who has exhibited vulnerability and compassion after having been deceived.  Anyone who has trusted and been hurt and has been able to say "ouch, that hurt" and then move on.

Try to figure out what inspires you about this person and embody those characteristics so you can love instead of fear.

31 Days of Giving ... To Myself

I am sure you have all heard of 31 Days of Giving.  Where you give something to someone each day for 31 days.  A batch of cookies to a friend.  A  donation to a food pantry.  Dinner for an elderly neighbor. 
I have done this each year for the past few years and every year I enjoy it more and more.   But this year I realized that I have enjoyed it because it is so easy.  I love giving little gifts.  I love making people happy with something special I make.  I love handing down a personal treasure.

This year I decided that I need to stretch myself.  I am going to give in a way that is more of a challenge for me.  I am going to give to myself.

Not things.  I am really good at giving things to myself .. pedicures, clothes, dinner out.  I am NOT good at giving myself the freedom to play.  I am not the kind of person who will sit on the couch on Saturday to watch TV unless my husband is sitting there.  I don't go for a walk on the beach unless that is the family plan for the day.  I will never leave the kids with my husband on the weekend so I can go to Whole Foods unless I truly didn't have a moment to get there during the week and we don't even have a carrot in the fridge.

I don't feel that I have the ability to let myself do what I want to at the moment.  If I am with other people, I feel like I need to let them tell me that I can take a moment for myself.  I don't even ask to hake a moment.  I don't feel okay asking.  I need someone to tell me to go do something for myself or even to take a break.  Until then I need to be contributing to the group.... doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning, working, tending to the kids, paying the bills. 

I need to resolve this limiting belief on a deeper level but I think that 31 Days of Giving to Myself might be a good way to start getting used to a this behavior.

My plan is to give myself the ability, each day for 31 days, to do something I want to do without feeling uncomfortable about doing it instead of something that is a contribution to the group.  If I feel like going to Whole Foods on Saturday all by myself because that is enjoyable and my husband is around, then I am going to go.  If the day is beautiful and  I want to go for a walk I am not going to stop because that is not what everyone else wants to do.  I a,m not going to go with my husband to take the kids bike riding when I want to start making dinner.  I am going to start making choices for myself and not always for the group.  And I have a feeling that the group will actually be okay with my giving these things to myself.

YOUR TURN
Where do you need to give more in your life?   Try to focus on giving there at least once a day for the next 31 days.

Mercury, Mars and Chiron, Oh My! ... A Day for Insight Into Transformation and Healing

Today is a really powerful day for gaining insight into an area in your life that requires transformation and healing.

A lot of positive aspects are happening in Pisces.  Mars, the planet of desire and drive, is conjunct Chiron, the body that represents acknowledgement of pain so that you can heal.  So there is a lot of intense, good energy around looking for what causes you pain.  Mercury, the planet of information, is sextiling Pluto, the planet of transformation (in Capricorn),so there will be the opportunity to achieve some goals related to sharing of information (maybe you will learn something, maybe you will communicate something) that will be transformative.  And lastly, Mercury, the planet of information, will trine Saturn, the planet of lessons (in Scorpio), which provides the opportunity to ask the universe to help you learn some valuable lessons.

Mars, Chiron and Mercury are all in Pisces.  As is the moon.  Pisces is the planet of spirituality.

All of this put together tells me that today is a day to dig deep and be open so that you can learn what will heal and transform you. It is a day to meditate or pray or journal.  It is a day to listen to what is in your heart and to what the universe is telling you.  It is a day to ask for guidance and to pay attention to the answer.

However, the moon is in a state called Void of Course which is not an opportune time to begin anything new.  So spend today listening but hold off on acting until later!

YOUR TURN
Where is your healing and transformation going to take place?  Figure out what house Pisces is for you. Then spend some time today focusing your thoughts there today.


Aries (born 3/21 - 4/20)  The focus is soul growth and secrets.
Taurus (born 4/21 - 5/21) The focus is on your sense of inner purpose (hopes, dreams, higher calling).
Gemini (born 5/22 - 6/21)  The focus is on your career.
Cancer (born 6/22 - 7/22)  The focus is on broadening your horizons (education, mentors, journeys).
Leo (born 7/23 - 8/21)  The focus is on personal vulnerability (intimacy, psychological issues, sex).
Virgo (born 8/22 - 9/23)  The focus is on partnerships.
Libra (born 9/24 - 10/23)   The focus is on well being (work, home, health).
Scorpio (born 10/24 - 11/22)   The focus is on romance and creativity.
Sagittarius (born 11/23 - 12/22)  The focus is on your roots (childhood issues, past lives).
Capricorn (born 12/23 - 1/20) The focus is on sharing information.
Aquarius (born 1/21 - 2/19) The focus is on what makes you feel secure (money, self worth).
Pisces (born 2/20 - 3/20)  The focus is on your self.

A Way to Remember... The Small Things

I love that right now my one daughter is obsessed with Frances Scott Key and the other sings to herself 24 hours a day.  I loved that for a 6 month period years ago one daughter would only wear blue and last year the other one had a massive crush on her dance teacher.  I never want to forget these small things.

So every year I start a scrapbook page.  I put a recent picture in the middle and the year and I hang them in the kitchen and every once in a while I write down something that is going on in their life.  Favorite books, phrases they latch on to, best friends, school play parts.  Anything that might be forgotten over time.

At the end of the year I let them fill in the blank spaces and we add the page to their scrapbook.  And we read over the ones from previous years and take a wonderful trip down memory lane.

YOUR TURN
Start your own simple way to remember the small things.

Words To Live By... Where Should You Put Them?

Do you have a word or a few words that you are striving to embody? 

I have a list of seven.  Secure. Luscious.  Vulnerable.  Accepting.  Authentic. Insightful. Free.
I developed this list over the past few years.   I looked at words that were the opposites of the behaviors that I was trying to eliminate.  I looked at words that came to mind when I noticed traits on other people that I really admired.  I looked at words that popped up in quotes that I loved.  And I finally settled on my seven.  And I wanted to be reminded of them every day.

I considered a tattoo.  I have one already.  It states my soul purpose.  And I love it.  But I wasn't sure if I wanted my seven words on me all the time because I thought they had the potential to change over time.  My husband did get his words tattooed on his arms and looks forward to adding to them as they change over time.

I thought about putting them on a shirt but I didn't love that I would nit be able to read them or that they might get stuck in the laundry for weeks at a time.

So I had them made into a necklace.  I worked with Silver by Keri, a designer I found on Etsy.  I loved the style of her work and as we began working together I loved her as a partner.  She related a perfect necklace for me... both beautiful and inspiring.  It was the perfect place to put my words.

YOUR TURN
Think about the words that you want to become and put them somewhere that you can see whenever you want to.. a tattoo, a shirt, a piece of jewelry, a wall hanging, a scene saver.  Whatever feels right!

Great Fighter of Lice, Germs and Bad Energy... On Guard Essential Oil

I love when i find something I didn't even know I was looking for and it turns out to be the cure for all that ails me!

I took a series of chakra balancing classes a few months ago .  I love my chakras so I am always excited for something new.  I loved the instructor but well, the content was a lot of stuff I knew and the meditations were so relaxing that I always found myself alone on the phone line snoring 45 minutes after the call ended and then there was Hurricane Sandy and I had seriously sketchy phone service.  But I found the class utterly priceless.  Because of some little bottles of oil.

Part of the class was using essential oils to help balance our chakras.  One week I was an issue with my solar plexus chairs and I used the oil each day and I really was amazed by how much it helped me to release.  I checked out the website and ended up ordering an oil for creativity, one for focus for my daughter, one for serenity and one called On Guard.

I bought the On Guard because I was finding that I felt covered with other people's bad energy.  My friends, my family, total strangers emotions and negativity were just sticking to me.  Using the On Guard made me feel so much better! 

Then one day I started to feel sick and I remembered that the On Guard could be used for colds and I dabbed some on.  And I felt better and never got any sicker.  (It could also be my water trick. But every little bit counts, right?).

Then came the great lice outbreak of 2013.  I was out of that great lice prevention shampoo and every online tip I could find required something I didn't have and my braiding skills were less than sufficient with my cast.   So I covered my daughters' heads with on guard.

Over the next few weeks almost every child in my one daughter's class was out with lice or the flu or a stomach bug.  Dancing school was at half mast.  My block was covered with extra cars while parents stayed home with their sick selves and kids.  And my girls have not missed a day! 

And I will admit that last year my kids were on what felt like a 3 month long sick day.  So something this year is working and I have to imagine the On Guard has a little something to do with it.

YOUR TURN
See if there is an essential oil that can help you out this year!