Is there someone in your life that you fear is deceiving you? I am sure you do. And I am sure it makes you question why you are in the relationship on an hourly basis. Wouldn't it be nice to let go of that fear?
I have more than one relationship in my life that I ask myself if I should work harder at or let go of. I had to ask myself why I do that and how I can stop.
First of all, let's remember that negative feeling happen when our expectations don't match reality. So, if you are having any negative feelings about a relationship, you should first take a look at how your expectations of the relationship are not matching up with the reality. Is the new guy not calling as often as you wish? Does your friend keep canceling dates? Is your boss not giving you the special assignment that you want? Maybe you can let go of your expectations and move on. Maybe you can't.
If you can't, you are going to have to address your concerns. And your relationship buddy is going to give you an answer. And here is where the fear of deception comes in. New guy says he can't call as often because he is so busy at work. Your friend swears she has been ill. Your boss tells you that the assignment process is out of his control. Well, either they are telling the truth or they are lying. And if they are lying they are doing the best they can and that probably means avoiding hurting your feelings with the truth.
But now you are left with that fear that makes you question the relationship. Are they lying? Is new guy actually too busy because he is dating someone else? Does your friend now find you dull company and is making plans with other friends? Does your boss just think you can't handle the work? You go back and forth trying to decide. Truth or lie? Agh!!!! It consumes your every waking moment. AM I BEING DECEIVED!!!!
Please do not spend your time wavering back and forth! Please do not continually ask your relationship buddy to prove they are telling the truth. You are not in control of this no matter how hard you try. You can never know for sure if someone is deceiving you.
You need to go all in or all out. Don't live a life with lukewarm relationships. That sucks. And it will never be satisfying. I hope that you go all in and your relationships blossom into something better than you could ever imagine. But there is a chance that it won't.
So, you need to ask yourself what is going to happen if you go all in and you end up down the road finding out you have been deceived?
Well, you will either embrace your vulnerability or your shame.
Can you embrace your vulnerability and compassion? Can you accept that your relationship buddy was doing the best they could? Can you realize that there were lessons that you learned? Can you forgive yourself for trusting and being deceived?
Or are you going to dive in to a pit of shame? Worrying that everyone is talking about what an idiot you were or how gullible you were? Worrying that your relationship buddy is laughing at how they pulled one over on you?
Most likely you are the person who is going to dive into the pit or you would have stopped reading this long ago! So the question is, can you be vulnerable? Can you see the best in people? Can you trust? Can you let go? Can you love? Can you say thank you for the experience even of it doesn't turn out the way you wanted?
If you can't then you might want to walk away from the relationship until you can. And spend that time alone dealing with the demons that are drawing you into the pit of shame.
*** BTW, the same advice goes for your relationship with yourself. When you have the expectation that you are going to marry that guy or get a promotion or lose 20 pounds. And you tell yourself that, oh yeah, that is the reality of the situation. But maybe it isn't. (I guess that would be deceiving yourself.) So how are you going to deal? Are you going to love and forgive yourself and move on or fall into the pit of shame?
YOUR TURN
Pick a role model for yourself. A friend. A celebrity. Anyone who has exhibited vulnerability and compassion after having been deceived. Anyone who has trusted and been hurt and has been able to say "ouch, that hurt" and then move on.
Try to figure out what inspires you about this person and embody those characteristics so you can love instead of fear.
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