To Manifest Or To Surrender, That Is The Question!

Do you ever feel the great conflict I do about what the Universe wants you to do when you desire something?

Are you supposed to ask for what you want.  Visualize it.  Believe it is yours.

Or are you supposed to allow what comes and know it is for your greatest good?  Surrender.  Let go.

I feel like I am often on a seesaw.

I want something and I try to manifest it and when I don't get it I think, "Gee, I shouldn't have asked.  I should allow the Universe to guide me."

Or when I am just letting things flow to me and I see someone else get something I wanted and I think, "Gosh, I should have set my intention on that because maybe the Universe didn't know I wanted it."

And there are plenty of people in each camp who will tell me why their side is what I "should" do.

But I am in a camp that actually believes that manifest and surrender actually work together.

And here is how I think it works.

1.  Ask For What You Want

Use whatever manifestation practices you have developed to ask the Universe to bring you anything that you believe will bring you joy!  

I used to think I could not ask for something very specific, like a sweater I saw or a job I wanted or a trip to a specific locale.  But, if it lights you up inside.  Ask for it!

If you are not sure on the specifics, like a specific sweater, then ask for a sweater that will make you feel beautiful or will keep you warm or will help you relax at the end of a long day.   

Be clear on your intention, but don't be afraid to ask!  With all the details.

2.  Sometimes You Get What You Want

Sometimes you get what you want because it is in your best interest and you are ready for it.

That's awesome!  Express some gratitude!

3.  Sometimes You Don't Get What You Want

Cry a little.  That's okay.

Then pick yourself up and say "Every moment is perfect."  Or a version that works for you.

Because the Universe is giving you exactly what you need.  

4. The Universe Is Guiding You to Live Your Soul Purpose

I believe that we each come in to this life with a soul purpose.

It is not something like being a doctor or a teacher or a hairdresser.

It is more like "using magic not manipulation" or "transforming darkness in to light" or "finding gratitude". 

It is more "being" than "doing"

You can express your soul purpose in any way you want.  Like being a doctor or a teacher or a hairdresser.  It is layered on top of whatever you choose to do.

I believe that your soul purpose is revealed to you over your lifetime, almost in layers.  So don't worry if you don't really know what it is just now, you will over time as you work on it.  I have an inkling of mine.  It get's clearer all the time.  But I am not fully there yet!

Just know that the Universe knows what it is, even if you don't!

(Sidebar ... for a great illustration of this concept, I highly suggest the book, I Remember Union.)

 I believe we all picked a purpose we wanted to achieve before we arrived in this life.  And fulfilling that purpose is the way we will achieve the most joy in this life, so it is more important than any desire we have generated in this life.

 If the Universe has to choose between giving you an opportunity to embrace your soul purpose or having something you think you want, it will choose your soul growth every time.

5. Your Soul Purpose Is Revealed In These Lessons

When you don't get what you want and you get sad or angry or depressed, there is a lesson there.

Your reaction is what you need to learn from.  What you need to explore.

The negative way in which you are reacting is exactly why you didn't get what you wanted.  

Because it is that reaction that is not working for you.
And I bet if you really take a look, every time you don't get what you want and you have a negative reaction, it is the same reaction.

There is a better way.  And it is your soul purpose.

So look at these lessons as the most valuable thing in your life.  More valuable than that sweater or that job or that trip that you didn't get.  You got something more valuable.

This is what you are here for!  And when you can find that better way, you will have found unbelievable joy.

(Note ... I used to think that the issue was in what I was asking for.  That I was asking for selfish things or what I was really asking for was approval, but recently I have realized that I can ask for anything I want, what the Universe is concerned with is how I deal with not getting it.  Because I can have anything I want once I have learned the lessons I came here to learn.)

6. Your Doubt Is Just An Illusion

So I have made it to step 5 for many, many years and then I hear a horrible voice in my head that says, "Well, everybody else is getting what you want and hasn't achieved ."  And I get all pissed off and I want to give up on steps 1 through 5 because nobody else seems to have to work this hard.

But this year I thought, aha, "What if everyone else is an illusion?"

What if I am at the point of knowing what I need to do but I am lacking the faith that it is the right path?  So the Universe is showing me all of these others who got what I wanted by other means.  What if the Universe is testing me?

What if these others are just an illusion?  And they will just disappear when I have faith in my soul purpose?

I believe now that the people that make me doubt myself are just an illusion and I can ignore them and follow my purpose.

And when I do, they will disappear and I can have whatever I want.

Because I won't need anymore lessons!

Or at least the lessons will get easier and easier the more I embrace my soul purpose.

So now I ask for everything I want.
And when I don't get it, I remind myself ...
... that this moment is perfect for my soul growth,
... that the lesson is to deal with this situation with grace and grattitude, and
... that all the better things happening to everyone else is just an illusion.

I encourage you to explore this practice the next time you don't get something you want.

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Saying "Yes"... My Yearlong Surrender Challenge

In 2019, I am going to say "yes".
And I hope you will be part of this challenge to surrender.

You see, I have a little problem.
I have worked for years to develop my intuition and my connection to the Universe, my soul, and all things grander then myself.
I find myself listening to amazing suggestions that come from somewhere other than my mind.  Things I know are acting to guide me to my next best step.
I hear them, I believe them, I plan to do them.  And when the time comes, I listen to my mind tell me why it won't work and is a waste of my time.  Even though I felt that spark that said, for lack of a better mantra,  "just do it".
And I back out.

This happens with things as simple as hearing the suggestion to take a walk.  Where I say "oh yes" and in the next hearbeat I have decided it is too cold, too dark, too close to dinner to take a walk so I don't.
And it happens with bigger things too.  Like hearing the suggestion to set up a call with a coach I came across in a Facebook group.  I just knew she could help me and I set up the meeting.   Then the day before I decided I didnt have the money to pay her and I didn't really want to be coached afterall.

But I know from experience that if I hear the suggestion and follow through no matter what reasons I have not to, I am rewarded and changed for the better.
Like taking a writing course when I didn't think I really wanted to write a book or had the money for the course, has led to such amazing self discovery, some wonderful new friends, and a book!
Or flossing my teeth each time I hear the suggestion even though I don't want to has given me much better visits to the dentist.
And going on a holiday shopping trip with a friend when I thought I had too many other things to do, delivered me two of the most perfect books for my daughters.
I know when I surrender, I am rewarded.  Sometimes in big ways and sometimes in little ways, but always in some way.

And I want to bring more of these rewards into my life.
So, I am challenging myself to say "yes" to the suggestions that light me up no matter how much my mind protests.
And I would love if you tried it too!

Follow along on my journey on Instagram at #sayingyeschallenge!
Check it out!  Cheer me on!  Share your own experiences!
Just say "yes"!

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Does Allowing My Kid to Be Herself Make Me a Bad Parent?

I have been struggling to help my 14 year old daughter develop the organizational skills necessary for her to remember things that she has to get done and make some time each day to work on things.

Right now we are in a space where I am constantly reminding her.  Because as a homeschooler, there is not the natural consequence of a bad grade or having to experience the shame of telling the teacher you forgot.  And in a few short years I will not be there.

So I really want to make sure she develops the skills and habits necessary to live a successful life of ease.

But without crushing her spirit.  Does that make me a bad parent?

I want to allow my daughter to be herself.
I want to help her grow the things that bring her joy and help her to find effective ways to deal with the things that frustrate her.
I want to help her try new ways to be more organized.  I want to help her develop some practices for being less afraid to talk to new people.   I want to help her to develop more empathy.
But I also want to embrace that she is not super-organized or a social butterfly or the most aware person in the room and help her to appreciate that these are the things that make her, well, her.
I want her to know that we don't all have to force ourselves into the same mold.

Because with every challenging trait, there is something amazing.
Not worrying about deadlines and to-do lists allows her to be so creative and detail oriented, it allows her to focus deeply on the task shes in at this moment.
Not loving idle chit chat keeps her away from the evils of gossip and the traditional "mean girl" drama.
Not being hyper-aware of other people protects her from worrying about what other people think of her and enables her to be her authentic self.
There is a dark and light side to everything.

Of course there is great value in finding some balance between the dark and the light.
And that is sometimes a slippery slope for a parent.  To look at a trait that is not the "normal" one or the "favored" one and not try to replace it with a "better" one.  While also helping your child to have the minimum skills that will provide them with a life of ease and joy.
I worry.  Am I trying to change her too much?  Am I being too lax and sending her off into the world unprepared?
How do I know where the line is?
Am I a bad parent?

At this point in my life, I am erring on the side of helping her to embrace who she is.
When I see things that I think will challenge her in the future, I make suggestions for new practices she can try.  To help her be more organized, we have tried planners and bullet journals and now Google Calendar with reminders.  To help her be comfortable talking to new people, I ensure that she is put in situations where that can happen naturally like sending her in to the store to buy things or making her attend the dance studio holiday party.   To help her be more aware of people, we talk all the time about how people might be feeling or how our actions might impact them.

But I don't force my suggestions on her.  I ask her to do her best.
I ask her to try using a new planner for 30 days and see how it goes.  I don't insist she talk to people at the party, just that she go.  I don't reprimand her for being unaware of someone's feeling but just discuss how the situation might have been different.
I don't let up on my efforts but I let her choose what to incorporate into her life.  I believe when she finds the practices that work for her, she will embrace them.  I also believe that if she is one day motivated to be really organized or social or empathetic, she will learn those skills on her own with ease.

It's like my other daughter and math.
She's not so great at it.  But I believe that we all need basic math to get along in the world.
So I don't let up on my efforts to help her get comfortable with fractions and algebra. 
But I do accept that she will never pick a path in life that involves advanced math so I don't force it on her.  And if, one day, she decides she wants to be an accountant or a scientist and she needs the advanced math, I know that she will learn it because she is motivated.

Of course I do worry that this relaxed, "you do you" attitude of mine makes me a bad parent.
I worry that I am blocking off some paths for them by not insisting they conform to all of the "normal" traits that our society favors.  I worry that one day they are going to hate me for not "making them".  I worry about what other people think sometimes.

But not too much. 
Instead I try to focus on how much I love allowing my kids to blossom into their own authentic selves. 
And I stop worrying so much about being a bad parent!

Life is Not a Job

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Help Your Young Adult Discover What They Want Out of Life

My mission is to encourage young adults to seek an exceptional life by discovering their authentic self and unique direction.

To help guide as many young adults as I can, I have created an online course,

"The Strange Pull of What You Really Love".

During the course, I will guide young adults to discover their authentic selves by helping them to identify their deepest passion, their greatest talents, the impact they want to make, their beliefs about success, and the things that make them most happy.  

 Knowing your authentic self is essential for living an exceptional life and making decisions that positively impact college and career choices.

The course consists of short video lectures and simple yet insightful exercises.

It is available on Udemy for $40 but is being introduced for a limited time at a much discounted rate!

Suggest
"The Strange Pull of What You Really Love"
for the young adult in your life today
and help them to discover what they really want out of life.  

 You can even purchase it as a gift!

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Why Life Gives Us Disappointments

If you are like me, you have those moments when something happens that you don't like and you start down that path of "why is this happening to me?"

I used to go there a lot.  But then I came to an understanding that those moments are here to teach me.

Disappointments are Messages

I now understand that obstacles and disappointments are part of my life as messages from the Universe that I am ready to transform myself.  

I work to understand why I am having trouble accepting what is going on.  I look at any of the expectations I am holding on to.  I dig deep into the fear or sadness or anger that is happening.

And I work to let go of what is limiting me and transform myself into a greater version of myself.

I recently had a relationship that ended.  This friend cut me out of their life without so much as a "so long".  That was a real disappointment.  

But I looked at the situation and realized that I was holding on to a belief that everyone had to like me.  And if they didn't, there was something wrong with me.  When I looked closely at the relationship, I realized that it had never been built on anything positive and that our time together was really feeding a lot of negativity in me.  I knew that my sadness was not a sense of loss based on losing the time we spent together but rather a feeling of not being approved of by this person.

This was a huge transformation for me!  I feel that I can let the relationship go in peace and am better prepared for my next relationship. 

I am grateful for the message that came in the form of this major disappointment.

The next time you are faced with an obstacle or disappointment, I challenge you to stop focusing on what is happening TO you and instead look at what is happening INSIDE you.  

Why Do I Keep Getting the Same Message?

Have you ever noticed that some of your most painful disappointments keep happening?  Perhaps it is a string of failed relationships or constant money problems or recurring health issues.

Well, they keep happening because you aren't listening!

You will also see, that over time, the messages will not only keep coming but they will get bigger.  So that you have to listen.

Years ago I had a debilitating pain in my foot.  Nobody could figure out what was wrong.  Nothing helped.

I took at look at a website on emotional issues that cause health problems and found that foot pain is caused by a fear of moving forward.  

At the time, I was contemplating homeschooling my kids but was filled with a lot of fear about what other people would think.

I took my foot as a sign that I needed to move forward and I wrote the letter withdrawing my kids from school and posted my plans on Facebook for the world to see.  

When I let go of my fear about moving forward with homeschooling, I also let go of the foot pain.  Instantly.

When you are getting the same message over and over, take some time to figure out what the message is asking you to transform.  Sometimes it is easier to ask a close friend as they may have a perspective that you are lacking.

But trust me, when you have figured it out and have released it, your obstacles will disappear as well.

Why Don't Other People Have So Many Disappointments?

Have you ever looked around and wondered why you are being battered with obstacles and disappointments and the guy next to you is sailing through life?

Well, I think that guy is there as a message to you.  

He isn't really real.  He might really have a boatload of disappointments.

You are only noticing his good luck and easy life because he is there to help you transform.  

There is something about what he has that you feel you are lacking.  

You have a block to you abundance and he is waving it in front of your face.

There is a woman in my life who keeps getting something that I want.

To me, it appears that she gets everything she wants without even working for it and nothing ever goes wrong for her.

But I have realized that is only my perception.  That is the reality I have created.

And what I need to figure out is what it is that I feel that I am lacking and transform that feeling.

I actually have gotten partway there.  And miraculously, she is partway out of my life!

The next time you are comparing your disappointments to someone else's, realize that they are just an illusion placed there as a message to you to work on your own transformation.

From now on, don't fear your disappointments.

Embrace them as the fuel to power your transformation.

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The Quickest Path to Greatness

Weekly Podcast: An Interview About My Book

Being interviewed about my upcoming book.  

Check out what it's about!

How 9/11 Changed My Life

As many of you know, I am writing a book encouraging young adults to lead an exceptional life by discovering their authentic self and setting their own unique direction.

I am writing this book because for many years I lived a life that was not my own.

9/11 made me realize that the only life I could live was one that was aligned with my true self.

Here is an excerpt from my upcoming book, "The Strange Pull of What You Really Love".

That Big Mistake? I Made It.

For years I had no idea who I really was.  I made choices about college and career based on what other people told me was good for me.  What other people told me I could have and couldn’t have. What made other people happy. And I was mediocre at all I did , both in what I provided to others and my own joy in life.  I was living a mediocre life that was not my own.

When I was where you are now, I had no idea who I was or the direction I wanted to follow. It had been lost, erased when I was little. I followed my parents and teachers desire that I study engineering because I was so good at math (and a girl, to boot!) and got a job as a computer programmer.

These were not my dreams, they belonged to someone else. I got no joy from what I studied in college. I barely graduated with a dismal GPA because for 4 years I sat in lecture halls listening to people talk about things that I could have cared less about. I could not make heads or tails of what I was meant to be learning because I wasn’t at all interested. I got even less joy from my job writing programs for an investment bank. I had zero interest in financial services and even less in COBOL (that is a really old programming language that I really hope nobody uses anymore!).

Now, don’t get me wrong, I had a “good” life. A decent salary. Friends. Great shoes. A nice apartment. Parties every weekend. A vacation every year. But in reality, all that did not make up for living a bland existence for 90% of my waking hours.

And in my 30s I got a wake up call and I realized I wanted more. The tragedy of 9/11 happened. There was so much loss here in NY. Employees of my company, kids from my town, a boy I had a crush on. I returned to work in a daze a few days later. Heartbroken like everyone else. But on that day I got word that an old friend had died on the top floors of the North Tower. I cried my eyes out as I remembered his beautiful soul. He lived upstairs from me. Every night I could hear the whine of his Ducati motorcycle as he pulled in front of the building and I grabbed two glasses of wine and met him on the roof. He met me up there and pulled out his favorite cigar. Peter loved life. He was passionate about his job in banking. He could go on for an hour in excited tones about something that happened that day. He was always home by 7 because life was not all work. He rode his motorcycle the 100 or so blocks to to work in custom suits that he loved. He loved reading the classics and cooking fabulous meals and Sunday brunch. He lived a life that made him excited to get out of bed each day.

As I was remembering Peter, the managing partner of our company ran past my office calmly explaining that there had been a bomb threat. There were many after 9/11 in NYC. I left my office with my heart in my throat and Peter in my mind and as I moved with the masses down what seemed like an endless 9 flights of emergency stairs, I realized that each day is precious. I can still hear the click, click, click of my heels on the stairs and I can still remember thinking that if this was my last day on earth, I had not lived it the way I wanted. But Peter had. Even though his life was ended way too early, I know that each day for him was exceptional. And I was spending each precious day bored and not contributing to the world in the best way I could.

I quit a short time later and started my journey of discovering myself.

I began searching for something more. I dug deep inside and found my authentic self… what I loved, what made me happy, how I wanted to impact the world, what I was good at, and what made me feel accomplished. I discovered how I could put these parts of myself together to create a unique direction for my life. I studied Buddhism, the human mind, energy medicine, and self- development until I understood how to create an exceptional life that supported my unique direction.

I am so grateful that I discovered that we each CAN have the exceptional life I described.  We don’t have to choose to be mediocre.

Some other people aren’t that lucky!

Success is All About Character

A couple of years ago I stumbled upon Benjamin Franklin's 13 Virtues and my life was forever changed.

Ben's 13 Virtues
Benjamin Franklin identified 13 characteristics that he felt he needed to be successful in life.  Each week he focused on a different characteristic to learn more about it and focus on incorporating it more fully into his life.

Ben's 13 Virtues were ...

Temperance. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
Silence. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
Order. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
Resolution. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
Frugality. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
Industry. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
Sincerity. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
Justice. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
Moderation. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
Cleanliness. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.
Tranquillity. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
Chastity. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.
Humility. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

Success and Character

Spending some time thinking about this list and the practice of embracing one at a time continually over a lifetime brought me to the realization that success is achieved not by what you "have" over your lifetime, but by how well you achieve "being" in each of the characteristics you deem important.

Being in a characteristic is having character.

Success is all about character.

What Does Character Mean to You?

Not everyone finds that the same characteristics speak to them.

And that is a beautiful think because the world would be pretty boring if we were all alike. 

The key is to understand what characteristics you would like to focus on in your life.  To understand what feels successful to you.

I happen to have like Ben's list but it wasn't quite right for me.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what my ideal self would look like and came up with ...

Determined.

Observant.

Kind.

Vulnerable.

Joyful.

We each need to develop our own list.  The list of characteristics that we strive to grow in.  The list of characteristics that, when achieved to a great degree, will make us feel successful.

I encourage you to spend some time coming up with your own list of what is important.  Ben's is a great starting point because it really does cover much of human nature.  

Look at each of his virtues and picture yourself achieving success in that area.   What does it look like to you?  What is important to you? 

Also picture what disgusts or angers you in each area.  How can you achieve the opposite?

Then look at everything you discovered about what character means to you and come up with your own list.

Write it down.  Keep it with you.  Make it your wallpaper on your phone.  Design a water bottle with it written on there.

Your list will be different from everyone else's. 

Which is why we often find conflict with others.  Why we find it hard to work on a team with certain people.  Why we become frustrated with our kids.  Why we have arguments over politics.  

We are all operating with different characteristics in mind.  Each of of us trying to achieve success in different characteristics.

Nobody is wrong.  Just different.

Living a Successful Life

Discovering what characteristics make you feel successful is only part of the journey.  Next you have to live them!

Ben focused on his one week per characteristic.

I decided to focus on mine every day by creating a journal listing each of my characteristics and spending some time each day writing about how I had grown in each area or where I was struggling. 

It was a great help keeping me focused.

You might find your sweet spot somewhere else, but I really encourage you to come up with a plan that suits you for keeping your focus on your character.

Wishing you much success! 

When You Think Your Passion Doesn't Count

We have a family friend who is a junior in high school.  She is very smart, attending an elite technology high school.  She is very involved with her community, working closely with the youth group at her church.  She has lots of extracurriculars, dancing and the playing harp. But the thing she loves the very best of all is her summer camp.

She goes to a good old-fashioned summer camp for a month each summer.  She does archery and goes hiking and builds campfires. She sleeps in a cabin, makes friendship bracelets and has color wars.  And for the 11 months of the year that she is not in camp, she talks about camp. First, she talks about what she did at camp and the people at camp and the food at camp and the interesting bugs at camp.  Then as we get close to the time of year she heads back to camp, the conversation turns to her excitement about what will happen at camp in the coming year and who will be there and what cabin she will be in and what activities she will sign up for.

This year, as she was telling me all about camp, she also told me she was really happy that she could go back next summer.  Because she had planned not to return. I was surprised but she told me it was not because she didn't like it but because she needed to spend her time on things that would look good on a college application.  But luckily she found out that being a counselor in training would be worth 200 hours of community service and that would look good on her application. So now she could go.

That was a crazy statement, to me.  

To not do something that you loved because it wouldn’t “count”.     

What really counts is doing things that you love so that you are inspired to learn as much as you can and build your skills.

What counts is that you can be with other people who challenge you in areas that you love.  

What counts is that you can be immersed enough in something to be creative and change the world.

What counts is standing out. In college admissions and in life.

And you stand out far more when you are passionate about something a little quirky than you do when you are apathetic about something you are told you should do.

So pick what you love. Do it. Stand out.

Choose Exceptional!

When You Suck at What You Love

Wouldn't it be great if we were all amazingly talented at what we loved?

If we loved singing and every note came out like Lady Gaga?  Or if our love of baking manifested in a talent like Duff Goldman's?  Or if our passion for writing was paired with a talent like J.K. Rowling?

Well, for some lucky people they are very good at what they love.

Take my oldest daughter, for example.

She loves drawing.  And boy is she talented!

She can look at something and just put it there on a piece of paper.  She works at improving all the time but she seems to have started out form a pretty great place.

But my youngest daughter did not start out from a pretty great place regarding her passion.  She actually sort of sucked.

My youngest daughter is a great example of the power of practice. As I have mentioned before, she loves dance. She dances at least 20 hours a week but it’s really more if you can’t all the dancing she does around the house or in the street or in the supermarket. But a few short years ago, she kind of sucked at dancing. Her balance was bad and her arms were wiggly and her feet were sickled. But she loved it. And she worked at it. She took more classes and private lessons and went to summer intensives. She watched videos and looked at pictures and watched the older kids. She really put in the practice and today she is a beautiful dancer.

In Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Outliers, (a must read, I must say!) he explains that you need 10,000 hours of practice to be an expert. And in my eyes, there is only one way to get in 10,000 hours of practice. You have to love it. It has to be your passion. Because that is a lot of time to spend on something you don’t really like.

And the fascinating thing about practicing is that 10,000 hours of practice will probably not make you the best in your passion but it will allow you to find your sweet spot, what you are uniquely good at within your passion.

And every year my little dancer grows so much faster and farther than the year before. The practice has made her technically better and has helped her to discover her unique gifts as a dancer. She is now the leader in dances. She places really well at dance competitions. And she is currently one of the youngest dancers performing with a new contemporary ballet company. The practice is really paying off and no more can anyone say that she sucks at what she loves. She is really pretty darn good!

So practice. Do your passion, Watch videos about it. Read books. Hang out with people who also love your passion. Take classes. If you truly love it, all of this will feel like play and not work! And through all that play, you will become much more capable.

Pick a Job. Any Job.

So many high school kids have no idea what they want to study in college.

And sadly, their parents and teachers and guidance counselors are of little help.  

Because they focusing on helping kids decide what job to pick.

Instead of guiding kids to discover what they are passionate about and what they are talented at and what sort of impact they want to make, they guide kids to pick a job.

Instead of guiding kids to discover what they want to learn about, they guide kids to pick a college and major that will help them get that job.

A job that is accessible based on the kid's grades.

A job that makes the most money the kid can expect.

A job that is secure.

A job that probably has little to do with the kid herself.

Let me tell you about Marissa.

Marissa is a beautiful, intelligent, funny, confident senior in high school.  She is in the National Honor Society and is captain of the basketball team.  Her grades are good, she takes some honors classes, and has decent SAT scores.

Marissa is going to school to study nursing.

Not because she has ever expressed any interest in nursing.  Or medicine or caregiving or biology, for that matter.

Because her parents are nurses.

And they have convinced her that she can be a nurse.  She can make good money as a nurse.  And there will always be a need for nurses.

I can't tell you how this story will turn out because Marissa has not yet begun to study nursing. 

But just listening to it doesn't sound like it is destined for a happy ending, does it?
I can tell you that when I talk to her I don't get any good vibes.  She can't tell me why she wants to be a nurse or anything about the programs she wants to go to.  I'm not at all convinced that I would want her to be my nurse.

Nursing is probably not in Marissa's soul.  

It is a job she picked because her parents told her it was a good choice.

So for those kids out there in this position and for parents out there with kids facing this decision, I plead with you to throw away your ideas of what job to pursue and first get an idea of who you are and what lights your soul on fire.  Then let yourself be led in that direction.

I Homeschool My Kids So They Know How to Find Their Own Path

I homeschool my kids because I want them to know, from as soon as possible, that there is a different path for everyone.  Maybe not "know", but "remember".

When my kids were toddlers and in preschool, I loved watching them.

I used to watch with such excitement how they stopped and noticed everything.  Every crack in the sidewalk, every little flower on the page of a book, every cloud in the sky.

I used to watch with such excitement how they wondered out loud about things they saw or heard.  Why is the sky blue?  Who was that man? How can the wolf blow down the house?

I used to watch with such excitement how made choices to do things that made them happy instead of just doing what they were told. Stickers on their face instead of the page.  Wearing a fancy party dress to school.  Mixing all the playdough together.

I loved their curiosity and interest and passion.

As they moved on through elementary school I started to notice how they only paid attention to getting the answer to the question.  How they never questioned or discussed.  How they were worried that their projects might look different that what the teacher wanted.  I hated how they had lost their curiosity and were only focused on the "right answer".  Getting the answer that everyone else was going to give.

My defining moment was the reading comprehension question, "What do you think the author meant by ...?".  My daughter labored over it.  There were tears.  It was so open ended.  How could she know what the right answer was.  I loved it.  I made her re-read parts and encouraged her to share what she noticed.  I engaged in discussion with her about her thoughts.   I supported her in choosing an answer that felt good to her.  And she handed it in.  And got it wrong.

HOW CAN YOU GET THE ANSWER WRONG TO "WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

In addition, we had science fair project ideas turned down because they could not fit in the rubric.  We had creative ways to do a boring weekly web search rejected.  We had correct math answers marked wrong because the method used was not the one taught in class.  

I realized that school was teaching my kids that there is only one right answer.  

That there is only one path.  

And that was not a lesson I wanted my kids to learn.  

So now they are homeschooled.

I create assignments for them that require an answer or opinion or report or creation.

I share my expectations about what the assignment should include.

And then I let them be free to discover the path that works for them.

I want them to be curious enough to do research and play around with things.

I want them to be interested enough to talk about what they are learning about.

I want them to be passionate enough to create something that feels good and feels authentic.

I want them to love what they produce, even if it doesn't look like everyone else's.

I want them to take this lesson with them through college and career and life.

The lesson that following your own path is the only "right" way.

Waste Your Talent If You Want

I was very good at math.  So when it was time to go to college, my parents wanted to me to be an engineer.

I was first drawn to dance.  I loved to dance.  I wasn't great at dance.  But I wanted to learn more.  I could happily spend my entire day learning about dance.  

Maybe I would want to be a dance teacher?  Maybe I would have a breakout moment and become a professional dancer?  Maybe I would find something related to dance to study?  

But the answer was no.  

It was not a secure thing.  

It was a waste of my talent.

I was very good at math.  My parents wanted me to be an engineer.  My parents wanted me to go to Cornell.

During the Cornell campus tour I was drawn to the hotel management school.  I was really organized.  I loved food.  I loved decorating.  I loved entertaining.  I loved travel. I could happily spend my entire day learning about working in a hotel.

Maybe I would want to be a chef?  Maybe I would be an event planner?  Maybe I would manage a small B&B in France?

But the answer was no.

Did I want so spend my life serving others?

It was a waste of my talent.

I was very good at math.  My parents wanted me to be an engineer.  My parents wanted me to go to Cornell.  My parents wanted me to get scholarships for being a girl good at math.

While looking at engineering majors, I was lured in by it's sister, architecture.  I loved art and buildings.  I wasn't a great artist.  But I wanted to learn more.  I could happily spend my entire day learning about architecture.

Maybe I would be an architect?  Maybe I would design really cool furniture? 

But the answer was no.

I was not a good enough artist.

It was a waste a my talent.

So, as you may have guessed, I went to the Cornell School of Engineering and studied Operations Research and Industrial Engineering.

I can't tell you what I learned because I wasn't interested in learning about it.

I did not get good grades because I wasn't interested in learning about it.

I could not get a job in engineering because I wasn't interested in learning about it.

I ended up in human resources and loved serving others.  Then I opened a bakery where I designed really cool and crazy cakes.  Oh, and I volunteer teaching dance to kids.

So I eventually got to a place where I was doing the things that I liked.

I would have been so much happier and made a bigger impact on the world if I had just wasted my talent and learned about something that I was interested in to begin with!

So go ahead.

Waste your talent if you want!

Listen to the Advice of Your Inner Self

Over the past decade I have spent a lot of time tapping into my intuition.

Why?

Well, because I believe that my inner self (or soul or spirit or ...) knows what will be of the greatest benefit to me.  My inner self wants me to become the greatest version of myself.

So, obviously, I would like to listen to the advice of my inner self, i.e. my intuition.

The basics of tapping into your intuition are quieting your mind so that you can hear your inner self and then trusting what you hear enough to act upon the advice.

I have found that it is easiest to work backwards and start immediately acting upon the things that I hear.  Things that are easy and non-emotional.  

Like flossing my teeth.

Every once in a while I am in the bathroom about to brush my teeth and the thought pops into my mind.  "Floss" says my inner self.   So I don't question, I just do.

If you pay even the slightest bit of attention you will notice that you hear these little easy and non-emotional bits of advice as well.  "Buy chicken."  "Take an umbrella." "Wear the red one."

These things are easy to follow.  You can't imagine some horrible downside to doing them or ignoring them.

But you will begin to see that they tend to help you out.

You might even want to start a journal to help yourself notice how they did.  Sometimes it takes some time or sometime it sets off a chain of events.  Your journal will help you spot these instances. But sometimes you just never catch the meaning, and that is okay too.  

Once you get comfortable listening and trusting, try trusting the harder and more emotional things.  Like then your inner self advises "Leave now." "Take the longer route." "Throw that away."

These are harder because you fear they will be the "wrong" decision.  You are afraid you will offend, or miss out, or be late, or make a mistake.

Work up to these.  I will admit they are hard.

And during this whole process, learn some techniques for quieting your mind.  

Try meditation.  Or just take a few minutes a day, or a few times a day, to sit quietly.  Set a reminder on your phone to stop and take a few breaths.

It will really help your ability to hear your inner self.

If you are interested in going deeper, my very favorite intuition teacher is Sonia Choquette.   Her books and podcasts and workshops have all been immensely helpful in helping me slow down and listen to my inner self.  She provides great stories and exercises that really illustrate the benefits of tapping into your intuition and show you how simple it can be.