I have fought a long hard battle to be the person I am truly meant to be. Instead of the person everyone expects me to be. I still have some skirmishes now and again but I feel really quite victorious!
But now I have recognized that my 10 year old daughter is waging the same war. She is small and quiet and lives inside her imagination. She like Legos and Minecraft and fairies and brussel sprouts. She barely answers when an adult talks to her and she is scared of most movies and roller coasters and butterflies. She feels different from the other girls in her class and from her sister and from her friends and it bothers her. Because she is trying to be the person everyone expects her (a 10 smart, beautiful 10 year old girl) to be instead of the person she is.
And I want to teach her what I have learned.
To be the person I am truly meant to be. A person who shines with a radiantly positive light.
By doing what brings me joy and to doing away with avoiding the things that cause me fear.
I have learned to ask myself "What is my intention?" before doing anything. Before I agree to a lunch date on a jam-packed day. Before I sign up to run the Book Fair. Before I have a conference with a teacher. Before I comment on a Facebook post.
Once I am clear on my intention, I decide if what I am doing is bringing me joy or if what I am doing is just running away from something I am afraid of. Am I having lunch with a friend because I really want to see her or because I am afraid of making her mad if I say I can't make the time that day? Am I volunteering at school because I want to support the kids and teachers or because I am afraid I will be looked down upon for not helping? Am I going to the conference to hear the teacher's expert opinion or because I want to blame her for my child's challenges? Am I commenting on Facebook because I really want to express a feeling or because I want to remind the poster how important I am in their life?
If I am doing something because it brings me joy then that is fabulous! I let myself shine on!
If I am doing something in an attempt to avoid bad feelings or cover over bad feelings, then I stop and look deeper into those bad feelings. Why am I afraid to put myself before others? Why am I afraid to say 'no'? Why do I need to assign blame for an issue? Why do I need to be seen as important? Why am I afraid to just be myself?
Even if I can't get to the bottom of those bad feelings, I can let go of the need to do something that does not bring me joy just to avoid them.
And this is what I want to teach my daughter. To not go along with things that don't make her feel good just to try to avoid feeling bad. I want her to keep playing Legos and Minecraft and believe in fairies and eat her brussel sprouts even if none of her friends do. And I want her to tell her friends about how happy those things make her. I want her to be polite to adults even if she does not want engage in lengthy conversation. And I want her to feel proud of herself for having beautiful manners and a happy smile. I want her to wait at the bottom of the roller coaster while her friends take a ride. And I want her to be excited for them when they come off and let them share all of their scary moments. I want her to be herself. And be full of joy and a radiantly positive light.
(I always want her to know that sometimes we need to do things that don;t bring us so much joy in order to have things that bring us lots of joy ... like taking ballet in order to be dance team, like paying taxes in order to live in the US, like taking tests in order to attend a certain school... but that is a post for another time!)