3 Simple Words That Inspire Empathy

About a year ago I learned a life changing phrase.  

"I am that."

I took a class with Conversations with God author, Neale Donald Walsch.  

I learned a number of really important things but there was one that changed my life.

Neale asked us to wander the neighborhood and to each person we saw, silently say to ourselves, "I am that."  

The simple phrase helped me to find the deepest empathy.

As I walked down a crowded NYC street, a man rushed by banging into me.

"I am that."  I am a person who has been in a rush."

A woman walking slowly and texting on her phone blocked my path.

"I am that.  I am a person who has been in someone's way."

A homeless man grabbed my arm as he asked for money.

"I am that.  I am a person who needed help."

The simple phrase changed my mindset, instantly, from one of a little aggravation to one of complete understanding, tolerance and empathy.

I began to use "I am that" with every person I came across.

It was amazing how much more peaceful I felt and how much more tolerant I became.

I have even been able to find empathy for people who I never thought I could understand.  Like a person who commits a crime.  By noticing that "I am that", I realize that I have also made bad decisions in my life or I have harmed someone else or I have chosen my own selfish needs over humanity.  Perhaps my actions are not exactly the same as the criminal, but the degree is not important.

I find using "I am that" to be particularly useful with my teenage daughter.

Her moodiness and occasional rudeness and sometimes laziness used to really make me mad.  But now I take a deep breath and note that "I am that."  I realize that I too have bad moods that cause me to be difficult to be around.  And I too have snapped at others.  And I too just want a day off.

"I am that" has significantly improved our relationship.

I encourage you to try this practice as part of your life.

Neale talks about his experience with "I am that" in this video.  

His takeaway was a feeling of oneness with everything in the Universe, which was a little different from mine but another wonderful outcome of this exercise!

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The 9 Best Books for Transforming Yourself

Over the years I have read more than a few good books about self-transformation but there are nine that, for me, are must-reads for anyone who seeks to know themselves better and find a more peaceful life.

The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield

This is the very first book I ever read on self-development.  I think I read it in college at the suggestion of my aunt.

It is a great place to get started because it is very basic and non-threatening but really sparks something inside you to go farther.  

It is a fictional story about the discovery of an ancient manuscript but woven through are concepts that provide insight into becoming a better person, a better part of humanity.  It will really change your perception about why you are here and inspire you to explore yourself and your purpose more deeply.

There is a workbook, an experiential guide, that you can use along with the book that really helps you start thinking. 

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

The Happiness Project is a book for absolutely everyone! 
I read it really early on in my journey when I was just starting to explore myself and it helped me to make some quick and easy changes.

It documents one woman's experiment to develop a happier life and challenges you to do the same by helping you to re-focus your life on what really matters.

The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron

While this book is touted to be about rediscovering your creativity, it is really a book about discovering yourself.

The book guides you on a 12 week journey of discovery and arms you with two of the most powerful tools I have ever encountered for becoming more in tune with myself, Morning Pages and the Artists Date.  Not only is this book a powerful tool, it is lots of fun!

There are many different versions of this work for different ages and groups of people and workbook to go along with it, but I have found that this little gem is really all you need.

The Beginner's Guide to Walking the Buddha's Eightfold Path by Jean Smith

This is such a well-written overview of the Buddha's teachings about the Eightfold Path.  


The eight steps on the path are: right understanding, thought, speech, action, livelihood, effort, mindfulness, and concentration and they are essential to Buddhist's and non-Buddhist's alike who want to live a more peaceful and meaningful life.
While the book is certainly about Buddhism, people of all faiths and spiritualities can benefit from the lessons of the Eightfold Path and this book presents them in a really accessible way.
I Remember Union by Flo Magdalena

This is a life-changing book wrapped inside a beautiful and engaging story.
It is the story of a young man going in search of treasure and finding it within himself.  
It is this story that provided me with the mantra, "Every moment is perfect."  Because it is.  It is exactly as it should be for your growth into your greatest self. Hard lessons and all.
The Code of the Extraordinary Mind by Vishen Lakhiani 






At first I was not really interested in reading a story about Mary Magdalene.  And while I did actually enjoy the story,  this book is so much more than that!

While this work is a story of Mary Magdalene's life, it is from the perspective that both she and Jesus remember why they are here on this earth on this journey.  They remember the impact they agreed to make when they were born into this life and we see how they use this knowledge to accept the events that happen to them with peace and compassion.

It is an amazing opportunity to question how differently we could handle the events that happen in our lives if we remembered why we were on this earth.  If we could see the big picture.
Very thought provoking!


The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho




Along the way the young man learns to listen to his inner voice and follow it's guidance.  He learns that that voice can guide him to triumph and through turmoil.  

This is the book that allowed my to purge an unbelievable amount of crap from my life. 
The book has a lot of great content but the concept of Brules is a game-changer.

Vishen calls bad beliefs “Bullshit Rules”, or Brules. He says that an “extraordinary mind questions the Brules that are out of alignment with their dreams and desires”. These minds “recognize that much of the way the world works is due to people blindly following Brules that have long passed their expiration date.” He does not suggest getting rid of moral and ethical standards but that we should take a good look at beliefs that drag us into “long-held habits and irrational self-judgement” such as “I should call my parents every day or I am not being a good child” or “I should work to the point of exhaustion every week or I’m not working hard enough.”

Vishen suggests asking a few thought provoking questions to test if a belief you hold is a rule you want to live by or a Brule you want to do away with.

1. Is your belief based on trust and hope in humanity? Beliefs that assume that humanity is inherently bad may be Brules.
2. Does your belief violate the Golden Rule? Beliefs that don’t support “do unto others” may be Brules.
3. Did you take on your belief from culture or religion? If you are bothered by arbitrary rules about dress, food, or marriage that come from your culture or religion, they may be Brules.
4. Is it based on rational choice or contagion? If you have been following a belief since childhood without question, it may be a Brule.
5. Does it serve my happiness? If a belief does not make you happy, it may be a Brule.

The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday

Based in the philosophy of stoicism, this book teaches you how to face challenges by letting go of what you can't control and moving forward. It teaches you that moving forward through each challenge only serves to make you stronger and better.

"What stands in the way becomes the way."

This is a book that really helps you to turn your problems into possibilities. Both big and small.

The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer

Best book ever for a control addict! It taught me the art of letting go.

Michael Singer decided to undertake an experiment while he was in his twenties in pursuit of enlightenment. He decided to see what would happen if he stopped giving in to his personal fears and desires. He decided to surrender to whatever life had in store. His journey led him to living alone in the woods to becoming a computer programmer and finally a corporate CEO. By saying “yes” to the opportunities that were placed in front of him by the Universe, and that he had many doubts about, he created a thriving spiritual community, a transformative software package, a company whose achievements are archived in the Smithsonian, and a book that became a bestseller.

I loved the idea of this experiment so much that I have incorporated it into my own life!

I hope you have enjoyed my list of self-transformation "must reads" and pick up one (or a few!) today!
And I would love to add some new "must read's" to my list.  To make it 10!
So please share YOUR must-reads for transformation in the comments!

Ego vs Soul

I am always trying to act from a soulful place.  A place of peace and joy.

And to resist the trappings of my ego which always feels lacking and can never be satisfied.

But sometimes it is hard to tell the difference.  So I made myself a list of questions that I ask myself to understand if I am following the direction of my soul or if I am being pulled down by my ego.

Am I focused on the best result or on enjoying the journey?

Your soul is not concerned with how things turn out.  It just wants to have experiences.  Some bring joy.  Some bring lessons.  They are all good to the soul.

The ego is focused on what the outcome is going to be.  And the result had better be the best.

I use this one a lot when I am about to tackle an art project.  I ask if I am doing it because I am going to enjoy the process of creation or because I want to have something completed that I can show off.
If I am all about the result,  I try to adjust my focus to the journey or pass on the project because I know that in the end I am going to be disappointed because the ego can never be satisfied.

This was a huge challenge back to me in my "Martha Stewart" days.  When I would get that magazine in the mail and see all of the amazing projects.  Like a set of Christmas village houses made from pine needles and pinecones and twigs and bark.  I embarked on this project with the single, ego focus of making them look exactly like they did in the pictures.  Of course they did not.  And I missed out on what could have been a really joyful experience of getting out and enjoying nature while collecting all of the materials, the mindfulness required to separate all of the pieces of the pinecones, and allowing my own creativity to inspire how I decorated the houses.

Now that I remind myself that it is the journey, not the result, I really enjoy little art lessons and craft projects and recipes so much more.  I am not rushing to see the result.  I am enjoying every moment.

Am I comparing myself to others or am I appreciating myself?
Am I trying to lessen the joy of others by being critical or am I celebrating everyone's success and being kind?

Your soul does not compare.  It is perfect. And appreciates that everyone else is too.

The ego, however, is focused on how it compares to others.  And you had better be the best.

This question comes out a lot for me with my kids dance and theater.  In situations where there can only be one kid chosen, I often find myself comparing them to others, to see if they are the best, to influence the situation where they are.
But now I stop myself because I realize this comparison is my ego at work.  Trying to see where they (and therefore I) stack up.
If I find myself comparing, I change my focus and I celebrate the wonderful things about my kids instead.

As I am writing this, I am waiting for the email to let us know if my daughter got a part in a musical that she really, really wants.  (I really, really want it for her!)  And instead of focusing on what I observed at the callbacks last night in the other kids, I am trying to focus on her.  Her acting was amazing.  I really felt the character and the scene.  I am trying not to focus on the fact that I thought it was the best.  Her dancing was great.  She did some moves I didn't even know she knew!  And there was one that she totally botched because it was pretty new to her.  But I am trying not to think about how that compare to the girl who did that move really well.  Her vocals were great.  She has worked so hard this year on improving her singing!  And I am trying not to compare her to the 3 girls who are more well trained singers.
Instead I am focusing on how proud I am of her that she really shines on the stage and how hard she worked to prepare for the role.  and also appreciating what is wonderful in all of the other girls too.  Without comparison.

Am I hiding my mistakes or am I enjoying being a student?
Your soul loves to learn and grow.  It never feels stupid for not knowing the answer.
Your ego hates to look like it doesn't know something or is a failure.

I talk to myself about this one when I a screw up.  My gut reaction is to hide from it.  To cover it up.  But I have stopped hiding.  I remind myself that we are all students in this world.  That we are all trying new things all the time and we are doing the best we can and sometimes since we are learning, it does not work out the way we, or others, wanted.  I try to treat myself the way I would one of my children when they make a mistake.

I am reminded of an incident that happened a few months ago.  I organize a local musical theater program.  I took the program over a year ago and I was aware that the previous year there was a problem with too many people coming to the show at the end of the program.  There were not enough seats and people couldn't see their kids.  There was discussion around everyone paying a bit of money to get a larger venue for the next show.  After I took over, things went really well until I sent out a link for parents to buy $5 tickets.  The tickets would cover the cost of the new venue.  If we had stuck with the old venue, each child would only get 3 tickets and the new way, we could accommodate siblings and grandparents and friends.  Everyone was very happy and bought loads of tickets.  Except for 2 parents.  Who were very upset that they had to pay for tickets.  I should have told them before they registered, they said.
The old me would have run and hid.  Because I had failed them.  Because I had made a mistake in not thinking to alert them that there was going to be a charge before I sent out the link to purchase tickets.  Because I felt like a failure.  But that was my ego talking.
Now that I am listening to my soul, I accepted that I am a student and I am not expected to have thought through every possibility.  That it was okay to make a mistake or oversight.  So, I apologized to the two parents for not thinking to warn them that there would be a slight charge.  And it was right with my soul.

Your ego is all about how you appear to others.  Your soul is just you.
Take some time to start listening to your soul.