I have introduced the words "I prefer" to my children.
And I am loving hearing them because they help me understand what my children want without making my hair stand on end!
You see, my almost 10 year old daughter entered a stage a few months ago where she looks at whatever food I have placed on the table and finds fault with it. It is something she has never seen before. YUCK! It is a piece of produce with a slight imperfection. EWWW! It is touching! I CAN'T EAT THIS!
I have never been and never will be a short-order cook in my own house. From the time they could chew my children have eaten exactly what my husband and I eat. Because I want them to be open to all foods and I want them to be able to eat places without me. I expect one bite of everything and I expect my children to manage their own plates to make the meal I served make them happy. I don't mind that my tomato-hater picks out the tomatoes but I am not doing it for her.
But while these rules of eating are being followed I can not stand when my daughter arrives at the table armed with complaints before a piece of food has entered her mouth.
So I have asked her to address any complaints in the form of "I prefer". I would prefer if we could take the skin off these apples. I would prefer if this ham and cheese on my plate was in the form of a sandwich. I would prefer to have grapes instead of raspberries.
I like this for many reasons. I like it because I don't feel attacked. And I like it because I feel like it is helping her to actually understand and communicate what she doesn't like about something. And I like that it is helping her focus on love, not fear. And I like that she is learning that when you ask for something nicely and with good reason, people are willing to work with you. Sometimes I can happily give her what she prefers. I don't mind swapping a fruit or cutting the crust off the bread. And sometimes I can't and we talk about why so that she knows I understand her concerns. But in all cases, eating together has become enjoyable again!
I have also extended "I prefer" to other areas of our lives like homework and clothes and anything else that causes that grumpy 10 year old face!